Sibling tribalry

In a couple of days, my not-so-little-anymore (but still little to me) sister will be getting married. There can be no clearer indication that you are getting older than when your sibling gets married off. While I'm clearly overjoyed for Natalie and her fiancé, it does dismay me somewhat to think that it's possible that she - and I - have grown up so incredibly fast.

While undoubtedly from the same familial stock, my sister and I are as similar as we are different. She is much less motivated by materialism and much more creative than me, and in many senses much less risk averse than I am. She is outgoing and gregarious whereas I am very introverted and prefer my own company to that of others. She prefers the comparatively sedate pace of life afforded by living in Cornwall and by being close to areas of outstanding natural beauty whereas I love the thrill of big cities and the man-made landscapes that for me can be just as breathtaking.

But we are also very similar. Both of us are very sensitive, don't handle criticism well and dwell on events far too much. We also hold family values in very high regard, coming from a small but tight family unit surrounded on either side by feuds and rifts that we have repeatedly sworn never to let come between us.

There are four and a half years between Natalie and I, but she's always been more mature than her years. Given that boys mature far slower than girls, this meant that we were the same emotional age for much of our lives. But that's not to say that we were always on the same wavelength, far from it. When we were really young we never liked each other. Perhaps I had a case of older child resentment toward a younger sibling, where I'd enjoyed a good few years getting all the attention. Whether that justifies me biting my sister when she was really small is debatable, but she more than made up for it later on when she used to lock me in the utility room every Saturday morning, jabbing me under the door with a brass toasting fork. Kids can be cruel to one another can't they?

We became friends in the summer of 1992 after meeting two sisters on a holiday. They didn't argue and always got on with each other really well, and I think that had a huge influence on our relationship with one another. We've stayed friends ever since, but as you get older and you get your own immediate family you begin to se less of each other. Living over 300 miles away from one another does rather curtail regular meet-ups, but we still see each other every six months or so.

Natalie's fiancé will be the perfect husband for her. I was in the same school year as Neil, but only really got to know him through Natalie; he is one of the calmest, most well-balanced and driven individuals I know. He has done much for my sister's confidence, and has nurtured her creative tendencies. He is a talented graphic designer, artist and photographer, which has led my sister to become more interested in these things and also has encouraged her to develop her interest in textiles from a mere hobby to a potentially successful business.

They are essentially perfectly matched, stronger together than they would be apart, and I've never once seen them argue. I also have an incredible amount of respect for them; they have pursued their own unique path through life and have never done things simply because that's what is expected of them. Two years ago they traded their comfortable jobs and house for a renovation project and significantly lower-paid jobs in Cornwall, driven predominantly by a desire for a particular lifestyle. At the time, being motivated as I am by money, wealth and advancement, I couldn't see the logic behind such a move. It felt like they were moving backwards; instead they have moved forward in leaps and bounds, taking the kind of calculated risk that only the shrewdest couples are capable of. They have an amazing, original house with a view from the rear windows that never ceases to calm, and a comparatively sedate lifestyle thanks to a better pace and quality of life. And in this positive environment they have flourished - not only is Natalie's textiles hobby rapidly proving that she could soon rely on this as her main source of income, but Neil is successfully building up his own design business after his earlier years of working for others. You could have all the money in the world and not have half as much of an enriched life as these two.

Which is why I'm so pleased that, after ten years of being a couple, they have decided to tie the knot. Fair enough it makes me feel old, makes me rue the passing of time, but I am so happy that they are furthering their commitment to one another. Their lives are not led conventionally and their wedding is shaping up to be just as contrarian. But fair play to them – they have shown that you don’t necessarily have to heed the advice that society supposedly insists you follow, therefore I’m sure it will be a great success.

* * *

My wife, Michelle, is very close to her own sister, Lisa; they too are friends as well as sisters, except that they’ve always been this way whereas Natalie and I had to have that epiphany while on holiday before we started to like one another. Because Michelle is one of two girls, she’s always wanted two daughters. Simply because of how my family was, I always thought we’d have a son, and then a daughter. Instead we were blessed with a perfect, beautiful little girl.

She now denies ever saying this, but during her epic labour, Michelle groaned to me that there was no way on earth that she would consider doing that all again to have a second child. The experience of labour, just as a mere male, was bad enough, and I found it really painful to watch as a mere observer. With the benefit of the passing of time, and of certain hormones that suppress the memory of birth pain, and despite only being twelve weeks into being parents, Michelle has retracted her earlier statement (which she insists she never would have said but I tell you categorically that she did), and now says she would like another child.

Her argument is based on the very fact that we both got on so well with our sisters and that it isn’t good for a child to grow up without a brother or sister. Moreover, she espouses something I've heard a lot lately, which is that parents will tend to spoil an only child, to the detriment of that child’s independence (and presumably the parents’ wallets).

I'm loathed to put this into print, but right now I really don’t want another child. I'm not ruling it out completely, to be clear (especially if my future son / daughter ever comes across this; you weren’t an accident, okay?), but I just don’t want to have to make any decisions about this at this precise moment in time. Within a couple of weeks of all having their babies, the new mums from our National Childbirth Trust group got together and were discussing whether any of them would have another baby. One of the mums said that she and her husband were definitely not just content with one, and wanted ‘a whole tribe’, a concept which I've just never been able to get my head around. Having one right now seems like a handful – a household filled to bursting point with kids just sounds incredibly stressful, but each to their own. One of the other mums has a friend who became pregnant just three months after having her first child; that’s either very good planning, or very careless.

Part of my reservation about making firm plans about this right now is that it feels like I'm diluting my love for Seren by starting to consider adding another child to the family. I’m sure that sounds completely ridiculous, but she’s my complete focus, and talking about having another baby sounds to me like – in some small way – we’re not completely satisfied. Which of course we are. I’m still coming to terms with my new responsibilities as a father, and whilst having another baby wouldn’t be for another couple of years I just can’t even think about it right now.

But, going back to my little sister’s wedding in the next few days, it would be a shame to see little Seren miss out on the company of a sibling, and I’m going to be so proud of my sister when she ties the knot. Just let me get used to being a parent for a bit first.